OVALTINE?

We understand that the developed world has stopped sleeping properly and is consequently malfunctioning. Serious concern has been expressed and much time and money is being devoted to the search for a remedy.

Donec has never shirked its duty to come to the aid of the bewildered masses. The thoughts of the boardroom are unanimous: let there be proper but inexpensive research into the possibility that central heating and the duvet make a deadly combination, and that the road to sound sleep involves an open window, a downturned radiator and bed clothes consisting of sheets, blankets and eiderdowns made of natural fibres and feathers. Who ever heard of a proper snuggle-down being possible in an oven and under something that doesn’t tuck in? The very idea would be a joke were it not for the known fact that homo erectus and the self-destruct button are never very far apart.

TV COMMERCIALS

Stan James is the latest to cause consternation among all right-minded sportsmen. The sponsor of the Champion Hurdle has allowed his publicity people to provide him with a commercial which is positively shocking.

It starts with a song of praise dedicated to that noble animal the thoroughbred: its fine head, its beautiful body, its grace and speed, its courage, its noble and generous character, and so on. Then comes the punchline: “None of that matters if you don’t have a bet on it!”

I can’t believe that Mr James meant to fill cyberspace with such an unattractive proposition. I suspect that he has simply employed advertising people who think that a bookmaker must want a message which is all about money – which is not always the case.

In fact the noble animal enriches the lives of millions simply by being so glorious. The financial aspect is just a grubby side-effect concocted by us bipeds.

Mr James, you can do better…..

PLEASE NOTE: OUR REFERENCE TO ONE-ARMED-BANDITS HAS BEEN REMOVED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE HOPELESSLY INACCURATE.

STARTING AND THE WHIP

No change.

Only the removal of the Rolling Maul will allow large fields of jumpers to enjoy the peace and quiet available to every other category of British racehorses at the start, plus the chance to take part in starts which are safe and fair.

As for the whip, the current rules continue to bring racing into disrepute by fining and banning jockeys for simply trying to win races using a pain-free baton – in spite of the fact that these rules were cobbled together by a BHA employee whose performance was shown, throughout the year 2016,  to be  somewhat less than satisfactory.

In the archives of a long-dead magazine called Riding an article has recently turned up explaining the inevitability of women jockeys becoming a normal and welcome feature of the British racing scene, as is now the case.

It was written by a scribe closely connected with the Donec imprint in 1995. This would suggest that proper starts for big-field jump races and acceptable whip rules can be expected to appear about the year 2039. That’s all right, then.

CHELTENHAM

A wonderful festival from start to finish. Even the sun behaved itself. As far as Donec’s spies could see, the racecourse had made subtle and effective changes to the pre-start facilities where required, which seemed to work well.

Donec’s Treat of the Meet was the Foxhunters. Pacha du Polder was foot perfect at every stage and every fence, his rider Bryony Frost had him in the right place at every stage and every fence. Plus the Ultimate Test: how to judge, time and tame the Cheltenham Hill. The partnership did that as well as, if not better than, any other winning partnership throughout the week.

Anything else? The Stewart Family, which owns the horse, has been huge  among National Hunt supporters for years, and throughout those years trainer Nicholls, in addition to the number of winners he trains, has been just as admirable in his support and encouragement of young people trying to make good on the turf.

Add to the mix the Frost family. Dad won the Cheltenham Gold Cup and the Champion Hurdle in his riding days as well as the Grand National, son Hadden rode a Festival winner in 2010 before injuries cut short his career, and now Bryony has done the business in immaculate style.

There you have pretty much everything that is wonderful about Cheltenham and National Hunt racing in general. Life will achieve an almost pinch-me level of beatitude when the BHA gets round to pulling its finger out (a phrase as yet unknown in High Holborn).

ARROGATE

Probably the best horse Donec has ever seen. And let us remember that, on a day when both horses had clear runs and no excuses, California Chrome showed that he was in the same league. Interestingly enough, Arrogate was not bred by Prince Khaled Abdullah. If memory serves, Frankel was named in honour of Bobby Frankel, the prince’s trainer in America. After the trainer’s death, the Juddmonte presence in America was reduced. After a number of years the prince decided to strengthen that presence and Arrogate was among several yearlings purchased in America. The prince’s “buying” operation would appear to be as efficient, effective  and fortunate  as the rest of his equine empire. It goes without saying that Bob Baffert qualifies on all three counts, and he seems to be everything that a sportsman should be.