PORRIDGE

A report from our gourmet:

I spoke about porridge in the last outpouring but at that time I was unaware of an extra special delight which can be gleaned from Scotland’s national treasure. As follows: if one devours the warm contents of the pre-heated bowl while pacing calmly round the dining room table carrying it balanced on the palm of the non-spooning hand, one could imagine one had died and gone to Heaven.

The glorious sensation of the superbly prepared oats sliding graciously and gravitationally downwards through the system, and coming to rest just a little bit below what the French call “le nombril” is significantly prolonged (significantly prolonged!) if one has added an inch or two to its journey by straightening the spine. As for the pacing – the pacing ensures that its indescribable glow radiates as far as possible in every direction. Am I wrong in thinking that this was the origin of the term “getting one’s oats”?

STARTING

We are pleased to report that we have seen plenty of good big-field starts recently (big fields, let us not forget, are very often associated with important races) and that the start of the Eider Chase (Newcastle, 21 Feb, 18 runners) was superb. The “walk” towards the tapes is a wonderful improvement. The fact that sometimes the jockeys are given the chance to fan out and take the position of their choice within the parameters of “fairness” is also wonderful. We need more of that.

Job done? Not quite. Before the final advance towards the tape, the horses are still crammed together in a rather uncomfortable procession which goes round and round as the runners wait for start time. The larger the field, the greater the unfairness (as the ranks from front to back become more numerous) and the greater the discomfort for jockeys – because half of them resent the prospect of being in rows 5,6, and 7 (15 or more lengths behind those in ranks 1,2,3 and 4). The horses also suffer because they don’t like being herded like cattle, and it upsets them, creating “angst”, which is the last thing you want your horse to experience just before it faces fences or hurdles.

So a process which is looking good with 16 or 18 runners will fall apart with 25 or more, unless and until the authorities put the finishing touch to the update. A huge field can be managed with ease, if the runners are organised behind the start in a large nose-to-tail circle, quietly walking in perfect harmony and ready to get on with the job, at the walk, when the starter gives the word.

If one were to hazard a guess as to the root cause of the difficulty at the start of big-field races, it would be to suggest that the BHA is telling starters how to do the job, instead of asking them how it should be done  and listening to what they have to say.

[Sorry about the last three paragraphs. If you find the subject boring on a monthly basis, imagine how much more boring we find it (seven days a week for several years). The fact is that, as long as the sport of kings is flawed in an important aspect of its daily activities by the shortcomings of the executive power, it is the duty of true fans to complain until such time as the executive power  sits up and takes notice.]

 

THE SEASON OF GOODWILL

If it was Christmas, which it isn’t, even Santa would find himself snarling with frustration if he tried to make use of the BHA’s website.

For a number of years it responded to enquiries as if that was part of its function. Then it was updated (six months ago?).  As a result, it has become a monster: when one breathes in its direction, never mind types on a keyboard or clicks on a mouse, the screen slithers and slides from one item to another with neither rhyme nor reason and all the lubricity of a sackful of eels.

This is a mechanism clearly designed to conceal and mislead, and as long as it continues in this mode it will continue to confirm the suspicions of  those of us who suspect that some  parts of the BHA has much to hide and a determination to keep it that way.

NOTE: on the other hand this phenomenon may be the fault of your correspondent – manual dexterity on the wane. If so, apologies.

 

LITERARY ERROR

Our literary editor reports:

I dipped into “THE RISE AND FALL OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE”  a couple of weeks ago, to see if in small doses it might become a bedtime pleasure. No good. I was almost immediately alienated by Mr Gibbon’s dry as dust scholarship and monotonous verbal rhythms. With what could I replace it? In the library my eye was caught by a shelf entitled “FIFTIES & SIXTIES”. On it I found a Jeeves Omnibus. Just the job.

It lasted two nights on the bedside table. Wodehouse’s humour, in the context of a story with characters, and a plot, and glorious scenery (Blandings Castle), is a delight. But Wodehouse served up as wall-to-wall puns, punchlines, banter, badinage, chaff and repartee is rather like that porridge…. not the one at the top of this epistle, the other one – you remember – the porridge served with Extra Thick Jersey Double Cream which after a little while made my digestion go on strike out of pure revulsion. One lives and learns. I used to love Wodehouse and I will love him again, once I’ve recovered from my own unbelievable stupidity. What was I thinking of?

SIX NATIONS RUGBY.

I find it difficult to watch grown men spending long periods of time wrestling with each other on the ground in glorious colour and high definition. But an alternative of sorts is available on Google. Dial up “youtube Lions 1971” and you will find yourself in a strange world of shadowy figures rushing in all directions and colliding with immense enthusiasm in black and white. The ancient film technology gives the picture a strangely nightmare-ish quality and the rugby itself is a revelation – but not in a pretty way.

Huge All Blacks playing as a well-drilled mob are constantly beating up significantly smaller Lions, and the significantly smaller Lions never stop tackling, tackling, tackling. The mob refuse to allow the  Lions to do what they do best (running fast and passing the ball with lightning speed), but that leonine tackling keeps the Goliaths at bay very nearly all the time.

So far the Lions have won the First Test and the ABs the Second. I am not sure if youtube have the Third, but the Fourth (and last of the series) seems to be available. This entertainment will do for me, until such time as the modern game is re-regulated so that its players don’t spend quite so long prone and wrestling.

One recent improvement (and not a moment too soon) is the legislation designed to reduce Grievous Bodily Harm. Many of the modern players are so “bulked up” and strong that they are potentially lethal. The legislators are to be applauded.

Interestingly enough the 1971 generation tackled hard and rucked hard in the two games I have watched, and there was every indication that they wanted to stop their opponents, but none (apart from one scrag round the neck) that they wanted to hospitalize them.

STOP PRESS

Wrong! I have now viewed highlights of the 4^th Test in 1971. The 4^th and last Test, with the Lions 2-1 up in the series. The one the All Blacks had to win. Within two minutes of the start Gareth Edwards and Gordon Brown were unconscious (temporarily) as a result of off-the-ball and unprovoked violence, which continued to a lesser degree throughout the game. So any suggestion from this quarter that the old days were the good days is hereby withdrawn.

Happily the great JPR Williams landed a 40-yard drop goal which put the Lions three points ahead at 14 – 11, the ABs landed a penalty which tied the score, and that’s how it ended. The Lions took the series 2 – 1, with 1 draw, having played an absolutely “clean” game from 1 to 15 and from start to finish. So, after all, there is room for fairy tales in this wicked world.