STARTING (big fields under NH rules)

The sporting world is abuzz with the rumour that the perfect big-field start has not only been seen in Britain, but has actually been filmed. Following instructions imparted in the utmost secrecy, I dialled up Google and typed in:  “2013 Grand National Youtube.” See it for yourself, reader, and be enchanted.

I was presented with a  clear image of the start of a race. I counted 40 (forty!)  horses in line abreast (the essence of a fair start),  proceeding at the walk (evidence  of complete relaxation). Wonders will never cease! Anything is possible.

No sign of the hideous “bunch ‘em up and whizz ‘em round” which has consistently disfigured jump racing and encouraged false starts in recent years.  On that particular day those perversions played no part in proceedings. The start was perfect and the race was a joy to watch.

The phone rang and an anonymous voice issued further instructions. Quivering with tension I returned to Google and dialled up:  “2013 Grand National Wikipedia.”  Once I get there I am instructed to go to “#3. Race overview.”

Wikipedia, in case the reader is unfamiliar, is a wonderful institution which compiles knowledge on all subjects as fairly, accurately and comprehensively as it possibly can. As far as I know it does a great job and has no particular vested interest in horse racing.

Having landed on the relevant page, I read the text in ever-increasing excitement, then sat in amazement rather like that chap who first glimpsed the Pacific Ocean “silent upon a peak in Darien.”  With an effort I returned to the screen and the keyboard, selected “Contents”, and scrolled down to “#3. Race overview.”

It is all good stuff, but two sentences in particular caught my eye:

“The starter Hugh Barclay got the field off and running at the first attempt….” and  “For the first time in history all 40 runners made it to the Canal Turn – the 8^th of the 30 fences – without mishap.”

Is that good news or isn’t it?

If Wiki, a giant among the purveyors of wisdom, bears witness to the exceptional excellence of the 2013 Grand National start and to the benefit it brought to the race itself, and if YouTube thinks that the images of that glorious happening deserve to be immortalised, I feel justified in continuing to object to an alternative system that is ugly, stressful and fundamentally flawed.

But it won’t be easy.

Sad to relate, the authorities learnt nothing from the lesson which the 2013 National provided. “Bunch ‘em up and whizz ‘em round” was back in full force at the next big-field jump race, the Scottish Grand National 2013. Predictably chaos ensued. Between that date and today, the flow of false starts has been steady and disgraceful. Work to do!

For the moment, however, you have glimpsed what is possible, if people will try just a little bit harder.

RUGBY

The other day Donec received a press release from the International Rugby Board, informing us that the experiment of having a television referee empowered to stop the game and intervene if foul play is suspected is to be continued, and that the powers exercised by the television referee are to be extended.

This was in response to a barrage of letters directed at the IRB by Donec (among others) a year ago, along the lines of: “Action to eliminate Foul Play… Now? Or do we wait for someone to be killed?”

Am I kidding myself when I suggest that recent international matches have been less thuggish than previously? If so, all credit to the IRB, which must maintain eternal vigilance, and to the multitude of right-minded sports fans (Donec included) who have no doubt expressed their dissatisfaction at the sewer of lawlessness towards which the great game was heading.

BOOKS

“I wonder what it was like…. to live in those days?”

Opportunities to open a book and immerse oneself in the past so completely as to smell the drains and witness a hanging are few and far between. And it must be admitted that not everybody is that way inclined. However, if anyone wants to know exactly what it felt like to live in London from 1660 to 1669, the diary of Samuel Pepys is for you.

The reader finds himself on the boat that brings Charles II back to the kingdom that executed his father, he gets very close to the Great Plague, he virtually eye-witnesses the Fire of London from a boat on the Thames, and he could well find himself understanding what it was like to squirrel away a fortune in gold when the Dutch, it seemed, were about to conquer England. They’re in the Thames, for heaven’s sake, setting fire to the English fleet! The diary runs to 11 volumes, which can be bought one at a time, and the first will tell you if it’s for you. If it is, you have half a lifetime of fun to look forward to. Try it!

OBESITY (The Curse of the Nation – Donec to the Rescue)

By now I bet you’re waking up feeling a new man, madam? Here’s another optional extra.

The essence of Part Two of our recipe for eternal bliss (see Sport 33) was: Walk backwards in a circle 100 paces: 50 paces clockwise, 50 paces anticlockwise. Ar regular intervals glance over your shoulder to avoid collapse or collision.

Do I dare to introduce an element of danger? Try jogging backwards. Just a few shuffling paces at a time, short little paces, accompanied by regular backward glances to ensure that the coast is clear.  Stay balanced at all costs. Remember, this is designed to improve balance, and to make head and neck more flexible, which is important because of all the blood that needs free access to the brain.

In between times, or as soon as you frighten yourself, STOP, and walk. Then have another go. It is important to avoid treading on one’s shoelaces, and one must remember that trainers (the footwear) tend to be rather larger and more cumbersome than other shoes.

PS. You will remember that toe-touching (or at least efforts in that direction) features large in the Donec Bible (Sport 33). At the time of inscribing the commandments on tablets of stone we neglected to encourage deep breathing. Apologies. Between attempts to touch toes, breathe deeply in the open air or in front of an open window. Breathing out quite vigorously could be an under-rated aspect of the process.

This morning I awoke and found myself convinced that seven aspects of my life were tragic and terminal. As soon as I had done my ten minutes-worth I was transformed into a  lion in human form, happily savaging the abominations that are all too numerous in this day and age and happily purring over delights which are rarer, but haven’t completely disappeared. Ten minutes! That’s all it takes.

Take a deep breath.