WHIPPING EXCITES BARONET

Sir Mark Prescott is a man for whom I have recently developed a profound admiration. He is very knowledgeable. I have no doubt that he knows all about the late Jim Mahon. He surely knows that the BHA, in one of its better moves, encouraged, authorised and made available to racing throughout the world the horse-friendly whip which Jim Mahon invented, and which is a dream-come-true: a baton which encourages but does not hurt.

In spite of all his knowledge, the baronet supports disqualification for horses which are on the receiving end of a number of applications of this excellent implement – a number which seems reasonable to intelligent and humane jockeys  (and to sundry trainers, owners and punters) but which happens to exceed the limit enshrined by very stupid people in one of the worst rules ever devised by man in any context since the beginning of time.

A glance at the BHA’s Guide to PROCEDURES AND PENALTIES 2015 (page 24) will confirm the fact that no aspect of horse-abuse during a race escapes its attention. Granted that the modern whip does not inflict pain, the actual number of hits in the closing stages of a race loses its significance in relation to horse-abuse (unless the barrage is intensive, in which case the situation is covered by the rules cited above).

Dear Sir Mark, is it impossible to convince you that disqualifying horses is not the answer? Can you not bring yourself to entertain the possibility that it is the emphasis on numbers in the rule which is at fault?

 

ELECTION TURN-UP

I take my hat off to the British electorate. We did the right thing, and I was pleasantly surprised by our communal wisdom. I congratulate the Conservative team. As the regular reader of these pages  knows, I am no lover of our Prime Minister, but even Cameron seemed to be dashing about  as if he really cared, just before polling day.

He had one major bit of luck, did our Cameron. When the writing was on the wall for Ed Miliband, his brother was interviewed on TV in America, where he now works. Only ten minutes worth, but he came across as a real class act. If, during these last five years, Conservative Dave had been up against Miliband Dave, things might have turned out differently. So Tories must thank Ed – for shafting his brother. And they must keep their guard up – because D. Miliband will be back one day. Perhaps he should be invited to become a Conservative?

Incidentally I have just discovered someone called Neil Clark,  who writes for the Guardian and about a million other publications and does it brilliantly – wins all the prizes. In one of his 2011 articles he started off with ”Winston Churchill must be turning in his grave….” It was about the sale of the Tote. Suddenly I am not alone in my attitude towards Cameron. Let us not forget that he has been in power for five years and, apart from his Tote treachery, he still hasn’t got round to finding a proper person  to run the NHS. What kind of a… Sorry… must STOP… blood pressure.

SPORTING  LITERATURE

Only recently did I find out that the late John Reason wrote and self-published an account of the Lions 1971 tour of New Zealand, which the Lions won, and which Reason covered in minute detail for the Daily Telegraph.

If ever you want to explore the depths (the pits, even) of corruption in sport – look no further – and prepare to wince, and wince, and wince again. Line-outs: Lions go for the ball – All Blacks go for the Lions. “We blacken their eyes, we loosen their teeth, we break their cheek bones – because we are the All Blacks and we are entitled to win the line-outs.” Such seems to have been their philosophy.

In the scrums the Lions proved infinitely more skilful than the NZ sides, so naturally the level playing field principle had to be applied. The photographs of the Lions’ front row after the first Test are not for family viewing. And in fairness it must be admitted that the All Blacks didn’t single out their front row opponents for the treatment. Anything in a red shirt was fair game for several punches or a kicking, especially if the party concerned was trapped in a ruck and helpless.

The referees? In those days the home nation provided the referees (even today, only International matches warrant neutral referees) and I think the Lions were fairly refereed twice out of twenty-six games. The rest of the time the referees might just as well have been wearing the black shirt with the silver fern. How much lower can a community sink?

Considerably lower. Canterbury (a province) will go down in the annals of sport as rugby football’s… what? I’m not sure if the rest of the world can offer iniquity to compare with New Zealand’s Canterbury. Its rugby community takes enormous pride in grievous bodily harm. Those on the field are encouraged by those who direct them, and the referees are their intelligence officers. Canterbury looks upon it as an honour and a duty to hospitalise visiting sportsmen before the first Test match of any home series. It’s traditional, you know.

And the brutes (all over the country, not just Canterbury) believe in catching them young. The ballboys were drilled to plonk a different ball on the field of play when it was the Lions’ throw-in. This  (according  to the rules) prevented the Lions from taking quick throw-ins (one of their specialities). Charming!

The victory of the ‘71 Lions in the Test series suggests that occasionally there is a God in Heaven. I stress the “occasionally” – the malaise seems to be incurable. On 24 November 2012 All Black Andrew Hore punched the Welsh lock Bradley Davies on the jaw from behind, as both men were chasing the action. The technique must have been meticulously practiced over many hours. An unconscious Davies was stretchered off the field and taken to hospital. Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.

Now for something to lift the spirits from our tour of the dregs of humanity. Coincidentally enough, more New Zealanders – their touring side which has just halved a two-match Test series with England. They are to cricket what the Lions are to Rugby – imaginative, bold, skilful, cheerful, and absolutely fair. “They don’t even sledge,” commented Boycott in some amazement. I have never seen such equanimity in the face of long-lasting misfortune, nor such instant brilliance when the luck changed – they chased everything and they never dropped a catch!

Another coincidence: their captain, Brendon McCullum, as a schoolboy was first choice fly-half in the rugby team. Why was second choice? Dan Carter! Who is Dan Carter? Check him out on Google, which is where I discovered this amazing coincidence.

 

BBC: SLOVENLY, WORKSHY, DEVIOUS

This is the first of a series of monthly lectures designed to expose decadence in the national radio and television Leviathan as disgusting as anything to be found in New Zealand’s rugby.

A question: can you name a programme designed to be a feast of wit, wisdom, laughter and charm?

University Challenge? Quite right. Which SWD executive  (clue: see upper case above) appointed Paxman to chair UC? Paxman has a heap of good qualities, but w, w, l and c (glance two lines upwards) are not among them. He has repressive tendencies, he fears a riot in his classroom, and his every syllable is a tad too loud and a tad too menacing.  Result: tedium for contestants and for viewers. No blame should be heaped on Paxman – that’s just the way he is – the disdainful silence is his forte, and he doesn’t really do charm. The villain of the piece is the faceless executive who appointed him, then noticed how unsuitable he was, chuckled, and did nothing about it. Because he couldn’t be bothered.

He was probably having such a lot of fun playing games with his colleagues to see who could get away with the oldest repeats (not long ago I saw a “Flog It” from the last century), and/or the worst repeats (how about Episodes?) without the idiots (the general public) noticing.

Well, on behalf of the idiots, Donec has noticed, and intends to point the finger and hurl the abuse at the people responsible, if said people don’t shape up and start earning the handsome sum we pay them. We can read the credits, have no doubt about that! We cannot get our bother boots into contact with their sensitive areas, but we know a man who can! Oh, yes, we know a man who can! Even as you read this, so does he!

CALIFORNIA CHROME: MOUNTAIN TO CLIMB?

Donec’s American correspondent has reported an interview in which Rae Guest described the test which awaits CC at Royal Ascot as ““Impossible. He’s a good horse, and it’s a very sporting challenge by his owners. But he’s got to deal with a new track, a new style of racing, a right-handed bend, and an uphill finish.”

All true. In addition he’s been travelling the world it seems like forever. Plus the fact that he has now not run since March 28^th. On the other hand he finds it nearly impossible to run a bad race, and his Breeders Cup run was just about top class. Much to ponder. Possibly the statement was partly designed to prevent CC’s many fans (Donec among them) from getting over-excited. Very sensible.

SAVING THE WORLD – OUCH!

The tea leaves suggest that it cannot be done, not this month anyway. However all is not lost. If Blatter can be toppled (congratulations to the Americans), so can Putin. What about Isis?  Donec is ruminating. Roll on July.

Best wishes,

Donec